On being a working mom & professional heartbreak

I wish I had more time to write about a topic very near and dear to my heart – being a female leader in a tech company, while also building a family. While I’ve experienced great opportunity, I’ve also seen many challenges that I believe are unique to women.

At Acquia, we have a “Women@Acquia” group where we meet monthly to provide a forum for support and encouragement to address challenges women face, especially in tech. We’ve had great debates on the many well-researched articles that exist on the topic of women at work. At the bottom of this post I’ve archived my “greatest hits” of research on this topic.

As I face my second maternity leave, I find myself experiencing the bittersweet feelings only pregnant working women can feel. It’s a mixture of delight and sorrow. I call the sorrow part professional heartbreak.

It’s very hard to explain to women who haven’t had or don’t want children, or aren't passionate about their careers, and it’s even harder to explain to men. While I couldn’t be more excited about growing my family, I’m subject to frequent pangs of guilt over not contributing at the office for a few months. Beyond not contributing, I will also experience the most acute case of FOMO (Fear of missing out), as this awesome company continues to skyrocket without me. The way I explained this to my Women@Acquia peers, my career was and is my first baby. I have cared and nurtured for my career much like I care for and nurture my son. Though they’re different, there are many parallels: I’ve made missteps and picked myself up when I fell; I pick my son up when he falls; I admonish myself when I didn’t work as hard as I should; I reprimand my son when he does wrong; I offer myself unconditional love and support in my career, and the same for him in his development.

I don’t find other mom’s talking about how difficult it to have to miss out on work to have a child. I think it's a delicate topic because it suggests I'm unhappy to be pregnant - which couldn't be further from the truth. I know I’m lucky because many women can’t conceive. But I still am myself, with high goals, and can’t help but feel the professional heartbreak that will surround my maternity leave.

I also experience professional heartbreak in my daily compromises. I was recently at a dinner with the executive team, and the conversation quickly turned to serious issues we need to address. My husband was traveling for work, and I had a babysitter with a deadline. I had to leave right during a heated conversation with the rest of the exec team. No one judged me for leaving but myself… but it still was difficult.

I called my husband upset for two reasons:

1. Leaving important meetings, or just having to leave work at 5pm daily, subjects you to judgment from your colleagues. It questions your dedication – how can it not? Any time other people put in extra in-office hours, and you don’t, there’s a perception that you’re not committed. That night I was online until midnight finishing up my work… but people don’t see the time working moms put in after they leave the office, so they don’t think it exists.
2. I’ll be honest – I was jealous. I was jealous that no one else in the room had to make the same compromise. There was a diverse group – some women and men whose children are grown or their partners were covering, but there were many men who have stay-at-home-wives. I singled out that group as the source of my jealousy and upset. I realized the tough part about being surrounded by men at the leadership level, for me, is that the majority have the support system in their stay-at-home partners or nannies that allow them to not have to leave important meetings. And never leaving important meetings shows dedication, and allows men to excel. 

As I stare down my last two months in the office, the next month of which will be on the road as I try to show my dedication before I'm no longer allowed to travel, I feel professionally heartbroken. I won't be in the meeting for three months. My hard work and dedication will not show for a quarter of the year. Will this affect my career long-term? Probably not. But when you're in the moment, it feels like it will. 

I ask myself every day: Am I taking this too seriously? Am I letting professional heartbreak take precedence over family? I don’t have the answer. I am, however, increasingly excited about meeting the little guy. So there's that :-)

For those interested, here’s my “Greatest hits" of women & work research and news:

Women in Business:

This Sheryl Sandberg/Adam Grant New York Times series:

• When talking about biases backfires at work: Discusses the existence of gender biases, but also how tight the tightrope walk of fighting for necessary change and being perceived as crying foul at every turn is.
• Speaking while female: Addresses the double-bind of not speaking up vs. speaking up too aggressively and turning off male superiors.
• Madam C.E.O., Get me a coffee: Talks about how women are always looked to for non-strategic necessary tasks – coffee runs, office party planning, etc. (They call it “Office housework”)

Women in Leadership:

• A better world, run by women: Breaks down the cultural, upbringing, and biological differences women have which allow us to have different skills and approaches that are becoming more and more valuable.

Pregnancy/Motherhood + Work:

• Maternity leave policies in America are hurting working women: Showcases the pretty abysmal reality of the average maternity policy in America – 88% of women don’t get any compensation at all. I’m lucky to work for a company that has an extremely solid policy and benefits like dedicated nursing rooms.
• An unusual new maternity policy: I’ll go ahead and call this “Revolutionary” – 4 months paid, 2 months to transition back at part-time, earning a full-time salary. The impossible dreamboat of US-based maternity policies.
• Female company president: I’m sorry to all the mothers I worked with: Talks about a common misconception that working mothers are not as dedicated and don’t have a strong work ethic, which in turn creates unfair treatment and biases towards non-moms based on the misconception.

Practical advice on changing behaviors:

• 5 things to say instead of sorry: Let’s face it, women say “Sorry” all the time… and men rarely do. It perpetuates the belief that we’re subservient.
• How not to be “Manterrupted” in meetings. The confidence gap is wide, and when many women try and express their ideas, they’re met with interruption from male counterparts, or generally dismissed. Although I have experienced this many times and my natural response is to be pissed, re-trench, and come back stronger with my idea next time, many women can’t recover from being dismissed and fail to try again.

And I leave you with the most prominent example of manterruption in the history of pop culture: